SAFE NATURAL CURES & LIVING

How spouses argue is learned from what they saw and heard from their parents.  Most people simply repeat the pattern, even when it is obviously unsuccessful.  But, you can change that. 

The first thing to know about arguing properly is to speak out.  In some marriages, there is no arguing at all because one person either simply clams up or storms out of the room.  These two methods may let the other person know you’re angry, but they fail miserably at changing things for the better.

Another part of proper arguing is the right attitude.  Arguments usually are partnered with anger, but your anger can quickly fuel anger in your spouse also.  Accusations fly, and sometimes objects fly.  But, the point of arguing is to change or solve things, not to get each other angry.

Volume is also important when arguing.  When one person starts yelling, the other gets louder.  It doesn’t take long before words are not heard at all, only the volume.

So when you want to get your point across, speak out, speak out without anger, and speak out without yelling.

The best way to get your point across is to keep the conversation about you.  Specifically, keep the conversation about your feelings. 

“You’re never home!  You’re always gone!  You’re at work all day long, and then you’re out with the guys on the weekend!”  Those comments are not about you, they are about your husband, and they will be heard as accusations.  Accusations put the other person on the defensive and can cause anger.  A possible reaction would be, “I need to do something fun on the weekends after listening to my boss all week!  And, you should be grateful that I’m working so much so you can have this furniture and your nice clothes!”  Instead, tell him what you are feeling.  “You work hard, and you are a good provider.  I really appreciate that.  But, sometimes when I’m home alone I feel like I’m not important.”  A likely reaction to this would be, “You are important!  You’re the most important person in my life.  I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.  What would you like to do this weekend?  This weekend is just for you.  We could go on a drive and then to a nice restaurant, whatever you want.!”  Telling him what you are feeling is not threatening to him, and it gives him a chance to come to your rescue.

Respect, a nice attitude, and a pleasant voice go a long way to prevent arguments.  You haven’t gotten anywhere with yelling, “You’re such a pig!  You never rinse off your plate, then you leave dirty dishes all over the house!”  Instead, try saying, “When I rinse food off a plate right away, it’s so easy to clean.  But, if I wait until the food is stuck on, it’s really hard.   It would really help me out if you could rinse off your plate and put it in the sink after you eat.  I even enjoy washing dishes when they’ve already soaked in the sink.”

“This is what you always do!”  “You broke my mother’s plate!  That’s the third plate of hers that you’ve broken!  You’ve always hated my mother!”  “I wouldn’t need to worry about where you go if you hadn’t had that affair two years ago!”  The last thing to remember about arguing is to forget.  A quick way to cause resentment or put a person on the defensive is to bring past problems into a new arguement.  Forget past sins.

When your child does something wonderful or looks adorable is when you usually give them a big hug.  You might also give them a big hug just for waking up in the morning.

The time that too few parents think to hug their child is after punishing them.  But, that is when a hug does the most good. 

Little kids are much smaller than parents.  We loom over them.  Just imagine how strong words, a harsh tone, or yelling would feel to you if it came from someone taller than the ceiling.  There is usually not a need to be as loud or as harsh, and we can usually get the point across with nicer words.  Either way, a hug goes a long way toward reassuring a child after a reprimand of any sort.  It says that you still love them, even though you didn’t love what they did.

Hugging does not take away from punishment or discipline.  Instead, it lets the child know that they can come to you after they make a mistake or do something wrong.  What a great life lesson.  Older kids don’t make bigger mistakes, but they often add to the problem by trying to hide what they did or trying to fix it themselves.

Anyone can love a child that never does anything wrong and always looks so cute.  They need to know that you also love them all the other times.

Young people have a different outlook, which is natural.  Our youth think that they will live forever.  After all, only old people die and they think that old is “forever” away.  On the other hand, they are apt to forget that a tattoo lasts forever and get one on a whim.

Bad things only happen to others, not to them.  This thinking is especially prevalent when it comes to drug overdoses or addiction, drunk driving, or sex.  Why is pregnancy such a surprising result after participating in the very act that creates babies?  They think that they can’t get an STD if they only have one partner – but the one partner may have already been with others.  Asking about that in advance, though, doesn’t show trust and love.

Youth might be no fun at all without the youthful outlook.  And, who knows, maybe few inventions would have ever come about without the blind perserverence of youth.  Wisdom usually comes only with age since the ears of the youth are like a radio that only gets a few stations:  music, gossip, protest movements of any sort, etc.  The “talk-radio” station of sage advice is all static to them and gets turned off.  But, their eyes are always working (television, video games, the internet).  Whether our youth admit it or not,  parents are seen.  So, the best way to teach our young people is by being good examples to follow.

There’s a billboard in the depressed part of town with an interesting message.  “If you graduate, it is like your mother also succeeds.”

The words seem meant to make a teenager feel guilty enough to stay in school and graduate.  Looking deeper, the real meaning goes to the heart of the ghetto / barrio family – which is that the mother is the heart of the family.  She is often times the only parent in the home, and she is well loved.  She may have even had to quit school to become the mother of the would-be graduate.

All of that would bring up a wish to please her, make her proud, and give her such a great gift.  The message also seems like it would be very effective in keeping more teenagers in school.

Hmm.  Why is it that these same feelings do not keep many teenagers from joining gangs?

The ancient Minoans had grand kings for leaders, and the people had total faith in them. Minoan kings were held as gods who could protect them from everything, including nature’s fury. That is, until a huge volcanic eruption made it obvious to the survivors that human kings were as powerless as themselves.

The people chose to worship and trust in a god instead – two gods might give them even more protection. They erected statues to honor the gods. And, for good measure, they made sacrifices. Human sacrifices. Can you imagine, they sacrificed their own children so that they themselves could have a nicer life.

Can you imagine?! You don’t have to work very hard today to imagine it. Many have gone back to worshipping the gods of their own making. The god of choice could be money, prestige, or fame. And, many today sacrifice their own children just so that they themselves can have a nicer life. Too many of today’s children are given up to nannies, babysitters, and daycare centers full time – some, much more than full time. All this so Dad can have the fanciest cars and Mom can have the biggest house, or so that either can have the most admiration from their peers.

We no longer kill our children physically. We instead kill their spirit, and the relationship we could have shared with them. You can have the mansion, I’ll take the modest house. Yours will be full of expensive furniture, and mine will be full of hugs and kisses – and secrets of the day that only a real family can share.